6 Tips on Moving Forward With Grief

Why does grief capsize us? We (humans) are a very trauma and grief-tolerant cohort. Look at human history wrought with wars, famine, plagues, infant mortality, etc., yet, our ancestors continued to thrive despite dire circumstances.

Since the early 19th century, our life expectancy has more than doubled. Today, we are not drafted into wars; we have medical advances like antibiotics and vaccines, we have instacart, grubhub, air conditioning, etc. Life for most has become very comfortable.

Today, along with living long and comfortably, we outsource the sacred ritual of caring for our dead. We are so afraid of death and dying that we would rather have a stranger take our beloved than spend time saying goodbye and caring for the body. Before the civil war, we traditionally gathered in the home when a family member or neighbor died. After washing and bathing the deceased, a wake would be held. The parlor displayed the dead; the living room was where the living would gather. Caskets or shrouds were handmade, and people were often buried in the yard. (All of which is still legal in most states).

I mention this history because we weren't always afraid of death, and grief has always been a normal part of life. More recently, we have become death-phobic and grief-illiterate. When a loved one dies, we are left traumatized and ignorant about what to do. Death frightens us, and grief consumes us. We feel like we can't continue; the physical pain is foreign and startling. We feel loneliness and guilt, wishing for things to be different. Because life today has become so comfortable, when sorrow knocks, we are emotionally unprepared for the intensity.

So, how do we learn to thrive amid grief and sorrow?

First, we have to acknowledge that all life is limited, and if we are willing to risk love, we have to be willing to risk loss. Love and loss are sisters; we can't have one without the other.

Second, grief is not something that will ever go away. When you lose someone or something significant, grief becomes the structure that holds the love left homeless. When we encounter the enormous pain of loss, we must allow the comfort of knowing that we have also loved. You see, grief is now the thing we have after we lose. While grieving, we can feel deep sadness, sorrow, AND love, gratitude, happiness, anger, and all other emotions. Grieving does not limit our rich emotional experience. It is ok to be happy and grieve; it's ok to be sad. The sooner we learn that grief is a forever passenger, the sooner we can begin to move forward with grief and with life.

Third, sadness (not depression) does not need to be fixed. We must not judge this emotion. In life coaching, we talk about using thought work to change feelings. With loss, we don't necessarily want to feel different. We want to be sad when we have lost something significant. When grieving, try to slow down and allow your entire body to feel the pain, knowing that even though it feels like you may be dying, emotions are just emotions. There is no need to run away from, push down, judge, numb out, replace the loss, etc. Allow for all the screaming, crying, sleeping, talking about, remembering, being angry, etc.

Fourth, be willing to be witnessed in grief. We must all improve our relationship with sorrow so that we can hold space when we encounter a fellow human in pain. We are social beings, and we need community. If you’re grieving and don't feel supported, please reach out to friends and family, or get in touch with a group, a coach, or a therapist.

Fifth, we must strengthen our ability to feel sorrow. Spend time in solitude and practice feeling sorrow. We can let ourselves feel for the collective. We can allow feelings of sadness for the environment, the animals, the Russians and Ukrainians, and everything we have lost during the pandemic. Remember that compassion comes from feelings of sorrow and sadness. A healthy world requires the universal practice of compassion.

Sixth, spend time in nature. We are part of a collective, a part of everything, and everything is a part of us. If we can not bear the pain, we can ask mother earth to help us. Nature can hold space for our pain more effectively than anything else.